Dear Christian Therapists

In a spiritual abuse course that I taught last week online, many survivors poured out their hearts and souls about how much their respective churches traumatize them. Many of these folks identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or otherwise queer. They shared how much hearing a definition of spiritual abuse made them feel seen. Their pain was validated and it moved many of us. For me, seeing professionals make these connections for themselves is the most important part of a spiritual abuse training…

And all that one specifically Christian-identifying therapist had to say was how hurt she was that so many therapists thought so little of Christianity. 

To this therapist and to anyone reading this letter who has felt similarly—I am not here to deny you of your Christianity or any other spiritual beliefs that you might hold. I remember what it was like, having once been a conservative Christian, to feel that in order to be a good Christian, you have to defend the faith at all times. As someone who remains a person of faith and can no longer turn a blind eye to the harm, I am asking you to consider how certain expressions of Christianity can wound people. The harm is often irreparable. If your personal beliefs and religious practices are getting in the way of you seeing that harm and helping a person to heal from it in accordance with their goals, you may have some work to do. And in this piece I’d like to lay it out in as non-judgmental a way as possible while still being direct about the problem. 

To begin, I’d like to offer a simple explanation of what spiritual abuse is and is not. Spiritual abuse is not people mocking you for your spiritual beliefs. As a sidebar, if you feel that a person is making fun of you for being a Christian, there is a good chance that a Christian or institutional religion somewhere has hurt them along the way. While I think some of this humor can be mean-spirited and wrong, for many of us, wisecracking about religion is how we cope and process, especially when we feel that conservative Christians are missing the point of Christ’s message. A spiritual teacher of mine once said, “I think Jesus likes it when you make jokes about him; it shows that you’re still interested.”  

None of this means we need to be saved, especially by folks who think that their choice of religion is the way. We just need to be heard. Especially if we are a survivor of spiritual abuse. 

Spiritual abuse happens when people in power use God or any other spiritual concept as a weapon over others. While using religious teachings to wield this power is one way that leaders, teachers, parents, family members, and politicians or lawmakers may harm others, it is not exclusive to religion. Yoga and meditation teachers who may tout themselves as spiritual, not religious can do it. And while spiritual abuse is certainly not unique to the Christian religion, it feels most relevant to discuss with therapists in the United States today because different interpretations of the Christian religion control so much in this country. Especially the United States Supreme Court. 

Spiritual abuse can happen whenever and wherever a power differential exists, and it can happen in combination with other forms of abuse, notably sexual abuse. A sexual abuser may use the Divine to bend victims to their will, intoning manipulation in the vein of, “It’s God’s will that we do this,” or “God wants you to keep this a secret.” Sometimes the spiritual abuse can happen without any other overt forms of abuse. It can happen in religious settings (like a church or meditation community), at the level of the state, and in the home. An obvious example of this might be devout parents who berate their gay, trans, or gender non-conforming child, using language like “abomination,” or threatening to kick them out of the home. In some cases, parents or guardians sadly do. Such an issue can show up in other ways that are not specific to sexuality or gender identity. For instance, parents might invoke the commandment to Honor thy father and the mother to demand respect even if they are abusing their children.

And many of these children will end up in your therapy settings. If you are a certain kind of Christian therapist, you might be tempted to help them see that not all Christians or even all people of faith are like their parents or the religious leaders with which they were raised. You may lean heavily into the healing power of forgiveness as an intervention. I would ask you to consider: Are you doing this because you feel that you have to as a Christian, or because reframing one’s relationship with Christianity or religion is truly best for them? In some cases, the client’s goal might be to navigate the landmines of the spiritual beliefs with which they were raised and to work towards a healthier relationship with God and faith. Or they might not want anything to do with God, religion, or even spirituality. And that is okay. That is their right. 

If you practice in a secular setting, the client has a right to come for services and have their current religious beliefs and their process with them be fully honored. And they also have a right to not have religion or spirituality forced upon them, overtly or subtly. They deserve to have you recognize, if it’s part of their story, just how much religion has harmed them without you getting defensive. I would argue that even if you work in a specifically Christian counseling setting or advertise yourself as a pastoral counselor, if you have a state license in your clinical profession, you have a duty to ask yourself if you are truly meeting the client where they are at with religion and spirituality. Or are you using the therapy space as your personal mission field to convert the lost? 

If you’ve stayed with me this far, thank you. I’m sure we’ve said plenty of things that might be challenging. And your immediate protest may be that since so much of human suffering is about people feeling cut off from God or from spirit—that people need the Lord or at least something spiritual and that it is a clinical duty to provide it. Our clinical duty is to explore all options with a client. For some of us who know without a doubt that religion and spirituality can harm, we may also need to keep an open mind and heart to clients who want to further explore their faith in a variety of contexts. Even if we fear that doing so might cause them further harm. It’s a delicate balance that must be navigated at the individual level in accordance with their expressed treatment goals. And if we assess ourselves as therapists to not be an ideal fit for a client based on their needs, we have an obligation to explore other options for them or do our own work to address the blocks coming up for us. 

If you believe that the Word of God as you interpret it overrides the ethical codes of your profession, then please consult with or receive supervision from someone else who can help you navigate the difference. It’s not just good therapy practice, it may be a matter of life and death for your clients who are victims of spiritual abuse, especially if they are queer or trans. I am reminded of another attendee at a spiritual abuse training I gave at an addictions conference over a decade ago. When I discussed the prevalence of spiritual abuse and religious trauma in the LGBTQ+ community, the attendee called out to me, “But being gay is wrong. That’s Biblical.” 

Although my immediate internal response was one of rage, I was able to take a breath and deliver an answer that I believe the God of my understanding inspired me to give. 

“Ma’am,” I said, “I am not here to debate theology with you” (although I would have relished the chance, assisted by what I learned from greats like Rev. Dr. Mark Sandlin in his piece Clobbering Biblical Gay Bashing).

“I will tell you though that as a licensed counselor, it is important to know how your theology may show up in your work with your clients.”

Ever since I was in graduate school I’ve listened to the debates about whether or not we can ever truly offer value-free counseling. Since we bring ourselves (and thus our values) into the counseling process, dissociating from them all together is impossible. And it’s not all hopeless. I’ve known many Christian therapists of various denominations and belief variations who can  successfully work with non-Christians or people of no specific faith. Many Christian therapists work well with spiritual abuse survivors in Christian contexts, perhaps because you’ve been spiritually abused yourself and have addressed it. You know what it’s like and have learned how important it is to set your specific relationship with the Church aside to help a person who suffered at its hand. Similarly, I’ve known many therapists who are atheists, agnostic, progressive Christians like me, or of other faith backgrounds who can work successfully with conservative Christians. 

Speaking from my lived experience as a progressive Christian who has worked with conservative Christians and people of other faiths, it is possible when I can appreciate what their faith means to them. It is possible because when breeches may happen, we can talk through them successfully and develop a plan accordingly. Working with the treatment plan and their goals, not my own agenda, becomes imperative. There are relational variations that can happen in different clinical encounters. I’ve ultimately found that even when my clinical assessment is that one of their religious beliefs or spiritual practices may be hindering them from fully meeting their goals for therapy, I can respectfully convey that assessment with good success because I’ve first shown respect for what their faith means to them. 

Turning the table, I ask you, Christian therapists, to recognize just how much religion can and does harm people. And that what you might see as resistance to anything spiritual in your clients may be for good reason. Institutional religion, even if you can point to the good it’s done for you and others in your sphere, can harm people, especially women and marginalized people. Personally, I can respect conservative Christians when they can at least admit to this truth without having to defend their faith or their specific church. 

For more, please consider checking out:

Recovery from Spiritual Trauma: Interview with Dr. Jamie Marich on the “Notice That” Podcast

You Lied to Me About God: A Memoir (Now on pre-order, releases October 15, 2024)